Sunday, July 10, 2005

Dell Hell.

Thanks to BlogJones.

The MotherBoard Chronicles.

(From Chapter Three.)

He places me on hold for – and I’m not kidding here – twenty two minutes. The only reason I didn’t hang up is because I held firmly in my mind the conviction that if I let him go now, I’d never ever get through to Dell tech support again. Finally, he popped back on the phone. “Okay, sir?”

“Yes,” I grumbled.

“Okay, I think I know what is going on. I believe it may have something to do with your drivers. Can I get you to go to Start, Control Panel, Display?”


“Yes sir?”

“I cannot do as you ask, David.”

“Oh. Why not?”

“Because my display does not work, David. I can’t see a g**damn thing.”

“Oh. Okay, so it’s your monitor that needs service then?”

“No, David. I’m fairly certain it’s the video chip. I plugged an external monitor in and it didn’t work at all.”

“So, um… Ok, so you have a monitor plugged in and it doesn’t work?”


“Umm… Is it a Dell monitor? Because I don't think I can help you if it's not a -”



“Transfer me to your superior, please.”

“Umm… okay, no problem, one second sir.”

Nineteen minutes, several doodles of David in a guillotine, and three broken pencils later:


“Yes, David?”

“My supervisor is tied up on another call right now.”

I sighed heavily. “Why does that not surprise me?”

“But sir?”

“Yes David?”

“I asked another tech here about your problem, and they said that it’s most likely your motherboard.”

“Yep, that’s pretty much what I figured.”

“Okay, so will you be repairing this yourself, or will we be sending a tech out?”

“Oh, dear God, I hope you are sending a tech out.”

“Oh, okay, because to send a tech out would be $520.00.”

A VERY stunned silence ensued. He decided to break it with the “good” news.

“But if you do it yourself, that price drops to $380.00”.


“Yes sir?”

“David, this laptop is still under warranty.”

He took a few seconds to study this. “Oh. I guess it is. In that case, I guess it would be free.”

I swear to God the Almighty that if David had been present in the room with me, I would have hoisted him high into the air and dropped him across my knee, breaking his back and paralyzing him for eternity. I would then spend every waking moment for the rest of our lives together reciting poetry about football into his ear and forcing him to eat nothing but Atkins-friendly candy.

Also, it seems that Dell hates Bloggers.

But, it's a policy of look and don't touch?

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